“Why can’t you move on?”

I am puzzled. What does moving on means? When can one say that he can’t move on or he has already moved on? Do I strike you as someone who was not able to move on?

After being exposed on national TV because of my letters to my wife, there are not a few who said that maybe it’s time for me to move on.

Move on?! Again, what does moving on mean?

One fellow told me, “You’re still young, you can remarry. You need to MOVE ON. It doesn’t mean you have forgotten your wife.”

There’s one interpretation of MOVING ON, getting married again. Is that really what “moving on” mean?

One comment that I received says “I don’t think this is what your wife wants you to do. She wants you to MOVE ON, take care of your kids and your future. Stop this foolishness!”

And I take it that the comment meant for me to stop writing my letters and ‘get a life!’ so to speak.

In my 43 years of existence in this planet, I never lived based on anybody else’s standard. And I’m not going to start now. I don’t think their definition of MOVING ON suits my own… and quite frankly “I don’t give a damn” (I always wanted to say that!)

I have a life. I am happy with my kids. Getting married again is not my priority and me going to stop writing my letters is out of the question.

Who would know what my wife wants? You think you know her better than me?

Fortunately for me, there are more supporters than these naysayers. And these people, though I may not reply to them directly, has given me more strength to continue with what I’m doing. People who see beyond skepticism and believe that there could actually be an internet in heaven.

As for those people who insist on their definition of moving on, I’ll say “thank you very much, but by your standards, I’d rather be stagnant!”

(originally posted in my Sugar Coated World blog)

What could they be missing?

Isn’t it obvious?! THE GENUINE LOVE AND WARM CARING OF A MOTHER!

There’s just a need to balance the tough and over-imposing aura that a father provides… the kind of balance that only a mother can bring.

Sadly, my kids missed that balance. Upfront, they look fine as if everything’s normal… but I know deep inside that everything is NOT normal.

Of course, I try my best to fit both shoes – the tough, firm and disciplinarian father and the warm and caring touch of a mother. Trying to bring “balance to the force,” so to speak.

Then again, we all know that it’s just not the same… it will never be the same.

Nothing can bring the balance back.

Because there could only be one mother who can really fill that void… unfortunately, it can never happen. EVER.

The kids are fine. Now.

But somewhere down the road, that imbalance could take its toll. I just hope that when it happens, I have already made good in my dual-role for them not to be shaken too much.

As it is, there nothing much more I can do aside from whining.

As the sayings go… breaks of the game… that’s the way the cookie crumbles… the cards have been dealt and I have play with my hand (yes, pun definitely intended).

Just when I thought I have prepared myself to combat any intruders and other unwelcome visitors (READ: SUITORS), I overlooked the small details that really means a lot to a growing child… a growing daughter, that is.

Tomorrow is my daughter’s graduation. Of course, I am proud and happy that my daughter is graduating from elementary. She has overcome the first hurdle in her life. And a graduation is one significant moment for her… and she needs to prepare for it, physically.

The problem is, being a single father and as expected, clueless about make-up and other girly stuff, how can she prepare and look beautiful on her graduation when there’s no one around to help her?

There are no other ladies in the house, she’s the only girl and only 13! We tried to contact her cousin but she won’t be available tomorrow.

Parlors? I don’t want to take her there because I don’t want them to touch my daughter’s hair. And based on our experience, parlor workers can be very stubborn. Tell them to cut only a small portion, and expect it to cut some more.

Okay, back to the graduation. What to do now? Don’t have much women friends I can really impose upon on, I mean asked to them to go to this house, help Angel prepare and then leave. Yeah, sounds very ungrateful, I know.

Anyway, like what I told her, she doesn’t need any make up really.

I hope she won’t feel deprived if we weren’t able to work things out tomorrow.

Being a single father, it is but expected that there will be no one around who will take care of me when I’m sick. I will have to take care of myself.

Just like what I wrote before, I will have to own all the decisions… likewise, I will have to face the consequences of those decisions.

Like most men, I am stubborn. I would carry an umbrella and would run my way through the rains and walk under the sun’s heat. Hey! I’m a man! I’m invulnerable!

Guess what? I’m not.

The weather got the better of me. And walking through a drizzle would definitely take its toll, especially for one who lacks a complete eight hours sleep.

Fortunately for me, I wasn’t really down. I felt sick, but I didn’t really went down. And it’s a good thing that there’s a three-day weekend. En0ugh time for me recuperate… I think.

And another thing going for me is that, the kids can take care of themselves – cook our food, clean the house, etc.That they do normally, even if I am not sick.

I took a rest – medicine, slept, water therapy, and slept again.

As I am writing this, I can’t say that I am really perfectly okay. I still feel weak and cold… but I want to write. So here I am.

Now, I guess it’s time take that medicine again. Four hours has already passed.

That’s just how I take care of myself, really.

As I was always saying, nothing can really replace the love and caring that a mother can give her children. But with the absence of one, my kids have to make do with what they have — a single father who seems to be clueless, or just gets easily confused when motherly things are on demand.

That’s what happened when my son had a bout with sickness more than two weeks ago.  At first I asked him to take a rest, but later he was asking me if I can take him to the doctor… which is what her mother would have done in the first place – immediately.

So I did. We went to the hospital, and he was admitted. He has difficulty in breathing and the diagnosis was acute asthma. I was dumbfounded because my son never had it, nor shown any symptoms… or was I just not aware? See.

And so we stayed at the hospital. On the second day, my second son was displaying the same symptoms my first son had. Was asking him if he wanted to be taken to the hospital, but he declined. He doesn’t want to be confined, I guess.

So it happened that I was going back and forth – hospital and home – to take a look at how my two sons were doing. I had no choice, it’s just us. It’s a good thing my nine-year old daughter wasn’t sick at the time and was able to stay at the hospital with her brother.

Still, I have to check on him… and then back home to check my second son, who is left alone at the house everytime I go to the hospital.

To cut the story short, they were are both well now, although my eldest son is still under medication.

I know I have been amiss with my fatherly/motherly duties somehow that’s why they got sick, but believe me, I’m trying my best… trying to do everything on my own.

…and that’s how it will always be.

I am not a perfect father, yes I am not. Not even a far cry. I have lots of shortcomings and overdoings as far as raising my kids is concerned, and being a single father is not even an excuse for those.

Now, why am I saying this? Do I really have to blurt it out? Maybe I don’t. I mean, nobody really cares, right? It isn’t anybody’s business really, whether I’m an excellent or a mediocre father.

I don’t know why, but I always have this feeling that sometimes I am giving the impression that I am a perfect father, and that my kids are the luckiest for having me as such.

I can live through that lie, and make it appear to be an absolute truth… until recently.

Just last week, I once again lost my temper on my son. And for the first time in so many years, I did something that I knew I should not have done — I hurt my son.

Not really that much, just one slap… one with so much restraint in it. But believe me, it didn’t feel good.

For a number of days, I was bothered. I was so disappointed of myself.

Spare the rod, spoil the child so the saying goes. That could be true, but my children do not need any rod, especially when they have no mother to turn to should their father turn against them.

What was even disheartening for me was that, it has to happen days before his birthday!

For a number of days, we weren’t talking to each other and it was the worst days of life!

I was the one who broke the silence. I sent him a casual text message. That’s all it took really. My children do not that pride that would cause them not to talk to you when you got angry, scolded or shout at them.

They just won’t initiate the talk, not because they have pride, but because they have apprehensions that you might still be mad. That’s how my children are. That’s why I initiated the conversation.

Right now, everything’s well. But the guilt hasn’t left me yet. I should be more in control of my emotions. I should not let things like that happen, because I know it will not help us in building our relationship… a closely-bonded relationship that I hope to develop with my kids so that they would look after each other once I am already gone.

Yes, I am not a perfect father. Sorry to burst all those bubbles.

Is it a choice? Is it a curse? Staying single, that is.

But things happen. Single men meet women, and as the basic law of magnetism applies, a certain form of attraction is formed. It could be weak, or it could be strong. Nonetheless, a threat to the existence of single fatherhood.

However, when it’s not meant to be, as they say, it’s not meant to be. No matter how stubborn one can be.

Shit happens. And to me it did.

If I can have my way, I would like to remain what I am until the last of my breath – a single father. But fate doesn’t really allow us to decide for ourselves. It loves to play games, and how.

It played it games on me, turning this once focused, child-centered single father into a totally helpless lovestruck individual. And you think, through age, one would be wiser.

I guess, that’s the a price of being a poet-wannabe. You get too much in-touch with your emotions, and you try to feel that feeling that you haven’t really felt for quite a spell. And who wouldn’t like that feeling of being in love?

And then, shit happened.

I could not even tell how, why or when. It just happened. Putting out a flame, even before it started. But it left blisters… burns… scars… pains.

Yet, life has to go on. Three kids to tend to dictate so.

Last night, I made a post in my facebook status which reads: “it’s just me and the kids… like how it should always be…”

And this morning, I was surprised to see that someone “Liked” my post — my eldest son.

Subtle.

The message came ringing loudly to my ear, however. He need not speak. I know what he means. He is my son, after all.

And as I try to get back in focus… to get back on track, I will think of that “Like” and make a conscious attempt to stick to that statement… and stay single forever.

I know there would be distractions along the way, but I was able to survive before, I can do it again… I need no one. I have my kids, and their love is enough.

Personally, I don’t want it. To be honest, it isn’t necessary.

I am only speaking for myself, of course.

In the same way, that there is no reason for me to celebrate Mother’s Day, I do not really need another occasion to remind me what I know I am – a father.

But some pundits thought that if there is a special day for mothers, it should be fair that fathers be given the same accolade, and so there’s Father’s Day.

Really now, who was fighting for equality?

Father’s do not need a special day to be secured of what they are and why they are.

Sure, you just want to have a day to recognize all his efforts and hard work. Fine, I just wish it didn’t have a name, and done anytime of the year. That would have been more sincere.

So, you go out with Dad and eat at his favorite dining place, to celebrate the day. Then there’s 83.56% that he will foot the bill. And it was supposed to be his day. (I just made that stats up, don’t bother verifying it.)

By the way, who drives the car? Well, lucky if junior is already of legal age to get his license. Chances are, it will still be Dad.

Hmm… I’m beginning to sound like the Father’s Day Grouch. Actually, I really don’t mind Father’s Day… I don’t mind at all.

Whether it exists or not.

But it does, and as a father, I can’t help but be part of it.

Is this familiar? Has this happened to you yet?

If you were never married and has been a single father from the start, this would be a rare occurrence, or if ever, it would be just a joke… a punch line.

But if you were married, and all of a sudden you find yourself alone, it is not impossible that it could happen to you.

More than two years since my wife’s demise, I still forget sometimes that I am already alone.

This is most especially true when something exciting happens, something really good came to me during the day. I was excited and I cannot wait to get home to tell my wife the whole story… only to burst my own bubble when I remembered that I have no wife to tell my story to.

You could just imagine how heavy my heart feels when I have something bothering me and I have no one tell it to.

Thanks goodness, I haven’t shouted that line at the door. Not yet, at least.

But the feeling was there… the expectation that someone would be waiting for you at home… and then the frustration… it is no laughing matter.

I managed to get hold of myself. I’m tough. I’m supposed to be.

And I am thankful that I still have the kids waiting for me to get home… and share with them any good news that I bring home.

I am selective though when it comes to the ‘not-so-good’ news.

So it’s Mother’s Day! Now what?!

Do single fathers celebrate Mother’s Day as well? Being the one who also assumes the role to the mother in the house.

Well… yes and no, I guess.

Yes because, who would your children greet when they do not have their mother around? And it’s not really surprising that other people who realize your situation also greet you a Happy Mother’s Day, right?

But that’s as far as the celebration goes… in greetings only.

Seriously now, have you seen a family, with only a father present going out on Mother’s Day?

And what about promos, discounts and freebies given by shopping malls, restaurants, fast food outlets and department stores during Mother’s Day? Can a father approach the personnel concerned and say:

“Excuse me, I am really a single father. Theoretically, I also play the role of the mother in the house. Can I avail of your promo for this day?”

Expect a wide-eye reaction, at least, for your inquiry.

Actually, I haven’t tried that yet. Maybe I should. I wonder what would be the reaction that I’ll get.

Anyway, while I don’t see the point, I really don’t see anything wrong either. Of a single father celebrating the day with his kids… even if it’s only for the sake of the children.

To all the mothers… and all single fathers included… Happy Mother’s Day!